Being a Grown-Up
Sunday, January 18, 2004
Bad Sassmaster! You go ON the paper!
Eh, I'll forego my traditional "I suck for not posting" paragraph and cut right to the chase.
As a connoiseur of the public transportation system, I engage in quite a bit of people watching. As I steal furtive glances at my fellow passengers, trying to avoid eye contact and looking quickly and awkwardly away as soon as eye contact occurs, I notice recurring character types. If you've ever taken the subway, you might be familiar with some of these folks.
Crazy, but (Hopefully) Harmless Guy He rambles loudly and incoherently about "the man", sharing his favorite conspiracy theories with those within earshot. He gets a platform because everyone's keeping an eye on him, just to make sure nothing explosive happens. And of course, he *always* gets off at my stop, causing me to fear a Taxi Driver-esque obsession.
Shrill Girl on Cell Phone "Oh my God! I can't even believe it! I was talking to Maria and she said that Jill totally wants him! HEEHEEHEEHEEHEE!" Um, shut up. I hate that girl, and I have never, ever been her. OK, maybe once or twice. But I know that everyone on the train secretly loved overhearing my exciting conversations!
Guy Who's Looking to Score He looks around, smiling at everyone who makes accidental eye contact with him to show what a friendly and completely harmless creature he is. He begins forced conversations with girls around him encompassing as much small talk and fake laughter as possible (but at least he doesn't resort to "come here often?" or lame pick-up lines) Occassionally, he gets a number, and sometimes, I sort of cheer him on - unless, of course, he's talking to me. Then I bust out the boyfriend card first chance I get.
America's Next Top Model Wannabe There she is, pursing her lips, in all her heavily made-up, pointy-shoed, dyed-haired glory. I like watching this girl and speculating about whether she's had collagen implants or something equally gross.
Attention Seeker Ah, the star of the train comes in many incarnations. Once, she was a drag queen who strutted across the car like Paris Hilton, began singing loudly in falsetto and gyrating against one of the walls with her ass to the crowd, and eventually jumped up on the seats to get her groove back. Other times, someone is preachin' the Good News (and sometimes, it's quite compelling - the trick is to not breathe between words to give anyone a chance to interject or think). Either way, I sort of appreciate the diversion and the way they've spiced up my ride.
And don't even get me started on the bus...
In other sassy news, perhaps my doe-eyed readers would be interested to know that today's our anniversary. We're off to celebrate 4 years of ass-kickin' with a meal that's way classier than we are. And they said it wouldn't last! (Actually, nobody said that to my knowledge, but it's sort of fun to say anyway.)
Also, go Pats!
